In just the first few months of me being exposed to this character you could see changes in my personality that were as if I had been around this character my whole life. My confidence peaked (at least as much as it could being a depressed teen), I was suddenly very aware of transvestites and transgenders –which growing up in a Roman Catholic community I really didn’t even know they existed–, and I was growing increasingly aware of how much like this character I really am. Eventually I realized that the reason I related to this character so much was because they gave him all of they stereotypical psycho ex-girlfriend traits that all women are just innately born with and relate to on an instinctual level.
I related to this character so much that I decided one day to make an RPblog, which for those of you that don’t know, an RPblog is a role-playing blog –no it isn’t as dirty as it sounds. Most of us made ours on Tumblr or other sites like that. It’s like a normal blog except everything you do is in the perspective of that character and you could make up “threads” with other rp-ers and go on for days, months, weeks, even yeares with some of the stories you create. This Grell RPblog that I had created was how I met my next three girlfriends.
First there was Christina. Or Chris as she liked to go by. She was a ftm transgender who liked to Roleplay as William (in my eyes, Grell’s one true solemate). As you can imagine it was once again love at first site. For those of you who don’t know, Grell is an overly flirtatious character, you could even say she was a bit promiscuous. Shes bisexual, loves to look, and loves to draw attention to herself, and loves to make her opinions and her presence known. Chris and I were off and on for about three years –an eternity to a high schooler– I genuinely thought that we would get married and blah blah blah. Now I know that would never have been the case. The next girlfriend was during one of the “off” phases of me and Chris, and she actually started out hating my guts because I guess I kinda stole Chris from her and looking back I have a bit of a track record for being a homewrecker, I’d like to say Grell had nothing to do with that but she probably did. Anyway, Barbara (girlfirend #2) and I hated each other at first and I’m pretty she threatened my life several times. But When Chris and I broke up the first time Barb and I quickly bonded over the fact that he left both of us for someone else. So to this day she’s one of my besties. We dated for a hot minute there until we realized we’re stupid and really should only be friends.
Then there was… We can call her Nyxx because with the was things ended with us I doubt she would want her name on here. This girl completely changed my life. We met role-playing (obvious seeing as that’s basically what this post turned into), I was my Grell and she was her own OC (original character) Miss Nyxx. I don’t know what it was that made our characters work but I’m glad it did. She lived a few hours away and me being 17 at the time and still living with gramps made it pretty difficult for us to see each other more than once a month. She’s not the first person I’ve ever loved but I can genuinely say that she’s the first person I’ve ever genuinely fallen in love with (sorry Barb). Nyxx helped me figure out my life and set me on the right path even though I’m pretty sure she (much like America and Russia) hates my guts and wishes she’d never met me, and I don’t blame her, I think I have that effect on people I date, unfortunately.
All of these relationships whether they stayed close friends or not, gave me the confidence I needed to start cosplaying again after America, especially Nyxx, she gave me the push I needed to start cosplaying outside of my comfort zone.
My earlier mentioned friend, Nicole and I set out for a huge anime convention that we’d had our hearts set on for years, Otakon. I was amazing! I brought my Fem!Iggy and my brand new purchased online Grell cosplay. And even though I really still hadn’t mastered cosplaying and looked absolutely ridiculous I loved it. I thought I was gorgeous and I honestly felt it too! Cosplaying Grell made any fears I would have ever had left inside me disappear. I was no longer afraid, I was no longer unsure of myself. For the few hours I was in this cosplay I didn’t have depression, I didn’t have SH problems, and I wasn’t anything other than Grell.
Cosplaying became my antidepressant that day. It stopped all of the bad things going on in the world and left me in my purest, happiest form.